Grandfather Lyrics by Stephen Lynch

Grandfather

When Grandfather dies
Life will be strange
When Grandfather dies
My whole world will change
When Grandfather dies
I'll scream and I'll yell
'Cause I'll be fuckin' rich as hell

So Grandfather, die
Don't keep me in suspense
Oh Grandfather, cough
Up that inheritance
Oh Grandfather, don't
Hold on another day
I love you to death
But I've gots bills to pay

A stroke would be nice
Disease would be cool
I'll scatter his ashes
In my new swimming pool
I'll party with Hef
I'll dine with the Queen
So what say we unplug that machine?

Oh Grandfather, die
Before the fiscal year
Oh Grandfather, I
Wish Kevorkian were here
Oh Grandfather, die
Just take your final bow
Oh Grandfather, die
Family hates you anyhow

For God's sakes, you must be as old as the sun
Your Social Security Number is 1
You're deaf, dumb, and blind, and an amputee
You donate your blood every time that you pee
Your arthritis acts up whenever it rains
You're so old your penis has varicose veins
Oh, why don't you die, Grandpa?
Why must you fight?
You old motherfucker
Just walk toward the goddamn light

Walk toward the light, old man
Walk toward the light, old man

It's all over now
My granddad is dead
A mysterious blow
To his wrinkled old head
Before I collect
A small oversight
But everything should work out all right
I'll start working on my grandma tonight